SO MUCH PUN!! (INTENDED)

On a good day, if you have jovial friends and coworkers, you can expect to hear or read many examples of funny puns. Whether intentional or accidental, pun is the use of words that either have multiple meanings or sound like other words, the result of which is humorous. There are several different ways to make pun.

Pun, also called “paronomasia”, is a form of word play that suggests two or more meanings, by exploiting multiple meanings of words, or of similar-sounding words, for an intended humorous or rhetorical effect. Henri Bergson defined a pun as a sentence or utterance in which "two different sets of ideas are expressed, and we are confronted with only one series of words".

Pun may be regarded as in-jokes or idiomatic constructions, given that their usage and meaning are entirely local to a particular language and its culture. 
Eg: Camping is intense (in tents).

Puns are used to create humor and sometimes require a large vocabulary to understand. Puns have long been used by comedy writers, such as William Shakespeare, Oscar Wilde, and George Carlin. The Roman playwright Plautus is famous for his tendency to make up and change the meaning of words to create puns in Latin.

Whether your pun is one word or an entire sentence, the result is meant to be humorous - leading to funny puns (and punny funs).

One-Word Puns (Homophonic Puns)

Created by substituting one word for a similar-sounding word.

• A good pun is its own reword.
• I bet the butcher the other day that he couldn’t reach the meat that was on the top shelf. He refused to take the bet, saying that the steaks were too high.

Homographic Puns

Created in one of two ways: either by using a word that has two different meanings, or by substituting a word with the exact same spelling as the word for which it was substituted.

• Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
• Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?

Compound Puns

Created using a string of two or more words that sound similar to a string of different words.

• Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giants’ fingers.
• Santa’s helpers are subordinate Clauses.

Funny Animal Puns

Puns involving animals are everywhere, and they run the gamut of pun types. I present here a small sample of the many, many funny animal puns already in existence.

Animal puns

• Biologists have recently produced immortal frogs by removing their vocal cords. They can't croak.
• The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.
• A horse is a very stable animal.
• If you hear it from the horse's mouth you're listening to a neigh sayer.
• One horse said to another: your pace is familiar but I don't remember the mane.
• Sign at a deer crossing: The Buck Stops Here.
• A zoo had a camel with no humps named 'Humphrey.'
• He bought a donkey because he thought he might get a kick out of it.
• The best way to stop a charging bull is to take away his credit card.
• A cat ate some cheese and waited for a mouse with baited breath.
• A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was ticketed for littering.
• Insects that make honey are always on their best bee-hive-iour.
• When a new hive is done bees have a house swarming party.
• A smelly ant was expelled from the colony because he was deodorant.
• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
• The flock of doves decided to stage a coo.
• Peacocks are meticulous because they show attention to de tail.
• The duck said to the bartender, 'put it on my bill.'
• It’s amazing how eagles catch their prey; they must be really talon-ted.

• Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.
• It's OK to watch an elephant bathe as they usually have their trunks on.
• Have you ever heard of an honest cheetah?
• A skunk fell in the river and stank to the bottom.
• An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.
• It's raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer.
• 5000 hares have escaped from the zoo. The police are combing the area.
• When the Dalmatian ran away, he was spotted two blocks from home.
• A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!

Some more Puns:

• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
• I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.
• I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
• I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
• To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
• There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.
• He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
• A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.
• A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.
• I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
• I wrote a novel about a fellow who had a small garden. It didn't have much of a plot.
• No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.
• The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
• The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.
• A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
• A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
• If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.
• I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
• A relief map shows where the restrooms are.
• I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me.
• What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
• People are choosing cremation over traditional burial. It shows that they are thinking out of the box.
• I try wearing tight jeans, but I can never pull it off.
• The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.
• Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
• My job at the concrete plant seems to get harder and harder.
• Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
• I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
• There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
• Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He just couldn't resistor.
• My friend was fired from his job at the road department for stealing. I have to say I saw it coming. The last time I was at his house all the signs were there.
• A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies.
• My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.
• When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.
• The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
• If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
• You want to clone yourself? Now wouldn't that be just like you!
• I usually take steps to avoid elevators.
• Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
• I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.
• Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?
• Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'.
• I was arrested after my therapist suggested I take something for my kleptomania.
• Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.
• Did you hear about the crime that happened in a parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.
• Mummies are bound to be uptight.
• I was struggling to figure out how lightning works then it struck me.
• It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
• Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.
• If you step onto a plane and recognize a friend of yours named Jack don't yell out Hi Jack!
• It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.
• Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
• He didn't tell his mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed.
• Weight loss mantra? Fat chants!
• He said I was average - but he was just being mean.
• Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was in tents.
• I'm not a big fan of archery. It has too many drawbacks.
• A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
• I get my large circumference from too much pi.
• The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
• A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.
• A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
• She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
• I'm bad at math, so the equation 2n+2n is 4n to me.
• I think Santa has riverfront property in Brazil. All our presents came from Amazon this year.
• A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
• To some - marriage is a word ... to others - a sentence.
• A noun and a verb were dating but they broke up because the noun was too possessive.
• Alcohol and calculus don't mix so don't drink and derive.
• I wanted to lose weight so I went to the paint store. I heard I could get thinner there.
• A baker stopped making donuts after he got tired of the hole thing.
• I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.
• Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
• I met a girl at an internet cafe, but we didn't click.
• I'm inclined to be laid back.
• I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.
• Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
• My grade in Marine Biology is below sea-level.
• The two guys caught drinking battery acid will soon be charged.
• It's better to love a short girl than not a tall.
• The comedian stopped at the fabric store on his way to a comedy gig. He was looking for new material.
• The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn't the sole owner - there were strings attached.
• I really do have a photographic memory -- I just haven't developed it yet.
• If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable?
• I probably have blind spots, but I don't see them.
• The coffee tasted like mud because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.
• The new weed whacker is cutting-hedge technology.
• Tennis players don't marry because Love means nothing to them.
• Never invest in funerals, it's a dying industry.
• I used to be a watchmaker. It was a great job and I made my own hours.
• I went to the store to buy some soup but they were out of stock.
• We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn't even afford to pay attention.
• My tennis opponent was not happy with my serve. He kept returning it.
• A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
• When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.
• No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
• Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you.
• A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
• Let's talk about rights and lefts. You're right so I left.
• My wife tells me I'm a skeptic - but I don't believe a word she says.
• When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
• Old doctors never die they just lose their patience.
• I used to do rock climbing as a youth, but I was much boulder back then.
• I quit gymnastics because I was tired of hanging around the bars.
• I once thought about cloning a new, more efficient brain, but then I realized that I was getting a head of myself.
• He avoided funerals because he was not a mourning person.
• He has been a jogger for three years running.
• I used to be a banker but I lost interest
• In a recession, the most secure job is garbage-man. Business is always picking up.
• In the room the curtains were drawn, but the rest of the furniture was real.
• Math teachers have lots of problems.
• When I asked the man how he became a ditch-digger, he said he just fell into it.
• Have you heard about that online origami store? It folded.
• If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, expect a long sentence.
• Stealing someone's coffee is called 'mugging'.
• Deafness is getting to be quite a problem for me lately. I never thought I'd hear myself say that.
• It's a lengthy article on Japanese Sword Fighters but I can Samurais it for you.
• There was a fight in the candy store. Two suckers got licked.
• How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket.
• I didn't have the faintest idea as to why I passed out.
• If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.
• Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient
• War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
• Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else!
• Experts say the cost of funerals have risen by 50%, they blame it on the cost of living.